


Demons

by Zygoma



Category: Original Work, Poetry - Fandom, Poetry-original work, unknown - Fandom
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Blood, Bloody, Character Death, Cuts, Cutting, Depression, Free Verse, Free Verse Poetry, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Original Character Death(s), Poetry, Possible Character Death, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Triggers, freeform poetry, trigger - Freeform, triggering
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-30
Updated: 2018-04-21
Packaged: 2018-08-18 17:26:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 2,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8169907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zygoma/pseuds/Zygoma
Summary: I have a lot of problems.I write a lot of it out.These are some of my thoughts.This entire work will be very triggering.Please do not read if you are easily triggered. This is also an ongoing (not finished) thing.





	1. F*ck This Sh*t

**Author's Note:**

> This entire work will be very triggering.  
> Please do not read if you are easily triggered.

Here I go  
Drawing again  
Those perfect little parallel lines  
I know it's wrong  
I know I shouldn't do it  
But the pure relief  
When those beautiful little crimson lines  
Bead up, run down, and drip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes.  
> All of these are really how I feel sometimes.  
> Some of them are worse then others.
> 
> But I'm not ALWAYS like this.


	2. Alone

"You're never alone"

"I'm always here for you"

BULLSHIT!!  
When it's 3am   
And my self hatred tears it's way up and out of my mouth in a ragged and pained scream  
i am ALONE  
When the knife slices my skin and goes deeper and deeper  
I AM ALONE   
When the only thing that I can see is the blood running down my arms  
THERES NO ONE THERE  
I AM ALONE

When you say you're here for me you're not 

 

I'm all alone

i'm always alone


	3. I was there and you don't care

I held your hand when you closed your eyes and grimaced  
I held your hand while your breath grew shallower and shallower  
I held your hand when your breath stuttered and grew still  
I held your hand when your heart stopped and mine dropped  
I held your hand as my heart shattered  
I held your hand as I sobbed  
I held your hand when I shakily typed out I can't breathe  
I held your hand until they made me let go

My hand has felt empty since you left  
It's been four months  
My heart still aches

I can't stop thinking about certain things  
But I can't bring myself to do them  
I don't think I've truly laughed since you made me laugh  
I've definitely not felt any true joy since then

"Time heals all wounds"  
It just keeps getting worse actually 

How do you live when your heart is gone?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> James Tolliver 'Tolly' McMann  
> April 1st 1992-June 13th 2016  
> 9:37pm


	4. Dreams

In my worst nightmares that have visited me almost every fucking night   
I always watch you die.  
Every god dam time.  
Over and over.

Is it bad that. . .  
In my best dreams for the last month It always ends with your soft smile and kind blue eyes hovering over me as I myself drift off into the thick warm darkness of deaths embrace?

You always seem to caress my cheek just as the darkness fully closes and I feel myself smile as I slip away.   
I always enjoy those couple seconds of pure darkness before I wake back into this 'living' hell.


	5. Blood

I'm having a really bad night  
I actually cried  
I don't think I've cried in months  
I have felt so unemotional and hollow for months  
Why did the pain just randomly hit me again?  
Why is the only thought in my head of me dying in a pool of my own blood?  
Watching as it creeps down my body to the ground and starts to slowly form a shallow pool  
Taking my hands and feeling it with a small grin  
Laughing and feeling it bubble up and crackle in my throat

I'm always so calm and stoic  
I wonder what people would think of me if they could read my mind  
I wonder what they would say if they knew that I want to taste my own blood as I take my last stuttering breath


	6. To Far

I'm afraid I may have gone to far this time  
I couldn't help it  
I got lost in the chains of need  
I'm addicted to it  
It's always helped  
Well everythings gone all hazy  
I can feel my heart beating  
I can feel it slowing  
Getting weaker  
I see all the blood on me and around me  
I'm covered in it  
It's everywhere  
Everything seems to be fading to a crimson black


	7. Haze

I don't have a single thing that will make me smile any more   
Books  
I can hardly read now  
My mind just drifts and blanks if I try  
Horses  
The great love of my life and the key to my heart and happiness   
Don't even make my heart leap any more   
I can spend a day with one and not even feel the slightest twinge of happiness


	8. Discordant Chaos

My voice is so disused that it cracks and chokes if I try to say anything   
It takes a few tries to even just say hi

 

I was once capable of reciting poetry and singing like a lark

But I cannot even hold a tune anymore

I used to hear music in everything   
Lovely and lively little notes

Now all I hear is eery discordant and grating sounds


	9. Tired and Broken

I'm so tired  
I'm tired of everything   
I'm especially tired of being broken  
I've been hurt so many times that I can't put myself back together anymore  
I am truly broken now  
The jagged pieces don't fit any more  
They're to cracked and chipped  
I hurt myself just trying to pick them up  
And there's so many pieces


	10. :(

I am overwhelmed with everything  
I don't even like the light any more  
I sit in the cold and dark all the time now with only these fucked up thoughts and old memories for company 

I am drowning and I cannot save myself again


	11. Stop this?

My hearts still beating but it hurts with every pump  
My minds still rolling but I want to make it stop  
How can i go on when all I want is to drop?  
I just want to sleep  
Forever and very deep

I am weary of this place

I can't take any more of this fucked up hell

I'm not but I am dying here in this world.

So much pain  
So much heartache

One can only take so much


	12. Him

All I want is to hear him ramble on about some random thing I don't understand   
But he's gone  
I would give anything for you to just wrap your arms around me and to hear your rumbling chuckle as I bury my face into your shirt  
All I want is you here by my side James  
I don't think I can handle this world without you much longer  
You were my safe haven  
It's been four months since your heart gave out  
These four months have felt longer than several lifetimes without you here  
I'm so very tired but I can't sleep without you here  
It's always just unending nightmares now


	13. Why?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to get a bit real here for a moment.  
> You may skip this chapter if you would like.  
> This is something that has actually happened/is happening to me.  
> You don't have to read it.
> 
> This is a bit of a back story and the reason why I created this entire work(I will also be continuing it for as long as I need it)
> 
> I will not use real names(besides two) or group names.

So. . . the last couple years have been rough for me.  
I graduated in '14 and never did anything. . not for lack of trying. . I just haven't found anything. Around November/December '14 I found out about and became a fan girl of Tom Hiddleston.  
I found a group of people in Facebook, a great group of people who were all fangirls and we all became great friends and a wonderful support system for each other.  
I had a friend named James.  
We had been friends for a long time.  
Since I was like 16.  
He got a Facebook account just to come onto the group with me because he saw all the good they did for me.  
We both made lots of friends and had lots of fun. James made tons of friends which made him happy.  
Several months ago James started really having troubles with his heart(previous problems, specifically heart failure, but it really started getting bad).  
It wasn't beating right. they gave him a pacemaker. It helped him a lot but it made his anxiety worse. He got sick again in May. They ran test after test and could not find what was wrong. A mutual friend of ours started suggesting random things that might have been the problem. soon figured out that he had Wilson's disease. His body was killing itself by improperly storing copper. It was storing the copper in his organs which was giving him copper poisoning and making his organs shut down.  
They got him better from that but they found he had congestive heart failure.  
Fluid was building up in and around his lungs and heart.  
He had developed pneumonia from it.  
His heart was so weakened by the sickness.  
He had three heart attacks from when he first got sick to a month later.  
His heart was failing and they wanted to do a heart transplant.  
He still had pneumonia.  
They couldn't do it, he needed to get better from the pneumonia. . .. . . . .. . . .. . .. . .. . . . . . . .. . . . . .. . .. . .. . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . .. . . . . .. . .. . . . . . his heart was so weak. . . . .. . . . . . .. . .... . . . . .. .. . . . .. . . . ... . .. . ....... .. . . .... . . . . . .. . .. . . .. . . . . . . . .. . . . . 

His heart stopped on June 13th at 9:37pm 

 

. . . .. .

The group went mad and  
I am grieving and they all said "suspicious death" "no proof he was real" 

They all turned on me.  
They say he wasn't real.  
They say I am crazy.  
but I'm not  
he was real  
he was like my brother  
brother of my heart  
I am grieving by myself and the few people who I felt had actually cared about me in a long time think that James was a fake person that I created. James who many of those people had many conversations with(and several of them were with the both of us in group chats AT THE SAME TIME)  
My sweet loving James who was one of very few people thats cared for me in the last two years.  
James who has been my only real source of interaction with another human for the last two years.  
James who dried my tears and hugged me when my dog of 15 years died in my arms.  
James Tolliver McMann  
I was with him when he closed his eyes.  
I was with him when he drew his last breath.  
I was with him when he . . . . . left me. . . . . . I am alone.. I am completely alone

 

The group I was in completely turned on me. I was one of three admins. They blocked me. I tried talking to the other two admins who I thought was good friends with and they both blocked me.  
I've also tried talking to people from the group and just about every one of the ones I tried to talk to blocked me to.

People I literally considered my family did this to me.

I haven't been able to go a day without thinking about cutting myself since the group went crazy.  
My depression has gotten completely out of control since James died.


	14. Scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unsure if I wrote this or not.(happens a lot, I have a bad memory)  
> I found it in a random note in my phone.  
> It seems familiar though, so I may have written it but if I didn't I'm just claiming it as not mine for that purpose :P

Took my clothes off and she cried  
Told me she could dam near see how I feel inside  
So I cried  
Why couldn't we just talk??  
I wanted to let you inside  
You said you didn't know this pretty face and beautiful smile held so much pain  
And I said smiles don't mean anything


	15. James

It's 3am and I've just realised I can't remember how your voice sounds


	16. My Friend You Will Drip Rubies

Trying to hold myself together

Trying to ignore the siren call of the blade

It's singing it's sweet melody as I drown in this hell

It wants my crimson life to run down my arms 

It wants the shiny silver stained with ruby

How can I stop it?

It wants me to suffer

It wants me to hurt


	17. No More

I don't have any motivation to do anything anymore.

I don't feel like wasting my energy on the day to day bullshit of life anymore.

I can hardly summon up the energy to sit here and type this.


	18. I've tried

I've tried

Ive tried so goddam hard to keep it together this time

I can't fucking do this anymore

I try and act like everything is ok and nothing is wrong but it makes it harder and harder and more painful as time goes on everything is burning and my heart is scorched and shattered

It physically hurts to go on now.  
I can literally feel every painful movement of my heart and i am so goddam tired of everything

Can it just stop already??  
Let me leave me in peace  
Let me leave this broken and shattered vessel

Im tired


	19. Today of all days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just  
> Why  
> Why me?  
> CONSTANTLY

Today of all days

This day is the day James died one year ago and ive been mopy all day because i cant help remembering all the pain and bullshit i went through

And then

Today

This afternoon, only hours ago

My father died

Nobody told me

I found out only because his sister posted it on Facebook and i just happened to scroll by it in my news feed

My FATHER DIED AND I FOUND OUT OVER A FUCKING FACEBOOK POST HOURS AFTER IT HAPPENED


	20. no

I can't deal with this anymore  
I can't stand being here  
I don't want to be here  
Im sick of all the bullshit  
I'm sick of the screaming  
I don't want to be here  
I hate being alone all the time  
I hate not being able to do anything I want  
I fucking hate being screamed at about things I have nothing to fucking do with or over every little fucking thing  
I hate being a useless waste of space  
I hate being a useless piece of shit  
I fucking hate being a spare fucking child  
I don't want to be here  
I don't want to be here  
I don't want to be here  
I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE


End file.
